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At last! A garden joke. (except maybe it's not a joke!)


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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 4825
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Irish Millionaire.

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million-pounds you've only got one life-line left phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question..... will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......"It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy, how in heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 4825
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No one believes seniors . . .

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally .' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand euros! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two gardai were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.. 'Pardon me, one garda said to the couple; did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No'. Andy said, 'She's lying, She hid it up in the attic'. Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile'. The gardai turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: 'Tell us the story from the beginning. 'Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.....

'The first garda turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!'

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 4825
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly rang up the local garda station.
The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Ah, to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 4825
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 4825
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: "I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in my several garages;

I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.

Just send the wine back"!!!

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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Sue Deacon
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing They just keep getting better. They say laughter is the best medicine. We will have to start calling you Dr. T.
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 4825
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1

A priest offered a nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after the fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull shite might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shites on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shite is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shite, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 4825
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE RABBIT

A rabbit hopped into a pub and said to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie, please?

The barman was amazed, but gave the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drank the beer, ate the toastie and left. The following night the rabbit returned and again asked for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word had got around), gave the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumed them and left. Next night, the pub was packed. In hopped the rabbit and said, 'A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please.' The crowd was hushed as the barman gave the rabbit his pint and toastie, then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfed them down. Next night, there is standing room only. Coaches had been laid on for the crowds of patrons.

The barman was making more money in a week than he did the previous year. In hopped the rabbit and asked, 'A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please. The barman said, 'I'm sorry old mate but we are right out of ham and cheese toasties.' The rabbit looked aghast. The crowd had quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman cleared his throat nervously and said, 'We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie.'

The rabbit looked him in the eye and said, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The peoples' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile said, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' said the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie.' The pub erupted with glee as the rabbit quaffed the beer and gorged the toastie.

He then waved to the crowd and left - NEVER TO RETURN! One year later, in the now impoverished pub, the barman, (who had only served only 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his), called time. When he was cleaning the now empty pub, he saw a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman said, 'Who are you?' The answer: 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your pub.' The barman said, 'I remember. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Crowds came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit said, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it. The barman said, 'You never came back. What happened?'
'I died', said the rabbit.

;

;


Oh "NO" said the BARMAN,

"what from"

:

:

:

;

;

;

wait for it.........

;

;

;

;



'Mixin-me-toasties.'

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 4825
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tequila

A man walks into a bar in Letterkenny and notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with 10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand euros in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay 10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new jeep."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender 10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my 10 - but I'm not an idiot!

I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.

His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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