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At last! A garden joke. (except maybe it's not a joke!)


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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2011 5:39 pm    Post subject: At last! A garden joke. (except maybe it's not a joke!) Reply with quote

Nicked from another forum.

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What film have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 06, 2011 11:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Note! The following joke may not be politically correct in this day and age.

A Kerryman buys a chainsaw, two weeks later he takes it back to the shop and tells the shop assistant, "when I bought this, you said it would cut down 50 trees an hour!, I've only managed two trees an hour!" The assistant says "let me see" and starts it up.
BRRRRRRRRRbbbbbbrrrrrrbbbbbbrrrrrr!!
The Kerryman jumps back in surprise and says
"what's that frickin' noise?!"

Embarassed Laughing Embarassed Laughing

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 06, 2011 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Gnome Attack


A grandmother knocked out a burglar by hitting him with a garden gnome.
Jean Collopy, 69, woke at 5am to find an intruder clambering on her roof. She yelled at the man, then picked up a gnome and hurled it at him. It bounced off his head, leaving him lying dazed on the roof.
Jean dashed to fetch her rolling pin and a camera, and then took photos of the burglar as neighbours called the gards.

The gards arrived to find the man still on the roof and half a dozen locals standing guard.

Jean said: "I heard a crash and rushed out in my nightdress. I politely told him not to move and grabbed the first thing that came to hand, which was a garden gnome.

"When it hit him he lay down for a while. I got my rolling pin in case. I didn't want to break another gnome."


Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2011 4:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.


Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price," and handed over his money.

"Will you be wanting a glass with that?" enquired the barman..........

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Nice threads, man" said Tom when Paddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick them up?"

Paddy beamed from ear to ear. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me." said Paddy with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early yesterday and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Paddy: "I've never been lucky in Love, I've been married twice and both of my Wives died!"

Murphy: "What happened?"

Paddy: "My first wife died from eating poisoned mushrooms"

Murphy: "...that's terrible, and the second?"

Paddy: "The second died from a fractured Skull"

Murphy: "How did she get that?"

Paddy: "She wouldn't eat her Mushrooms!"

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An American tourist was fed up after a fortnight of continuous rain on his holidays in Ireland.

He asked a local lad "Gee, does it ever stop raining in Ireland?"

The lad replied "How should I know, I'm only 10".

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?









Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The engineers went on spring break and being on a budget they took the train. In the car with them was a group of marketing majors. The marketing guys noticed that the engineers had only bought one ticket.

"You guys are screwed. The conductor is coming!"

The engineers all crowded into the toilet. When the engineer came along and knocked on the door, "Ticket please." The engineers pushed the ticket under the door, the conductor clipped it and pushed it back. After the conductor left they all piled out.

On the way back the marketing guys had purchased only one ticket having learned the trick from the engineers. The engineers, however, had no ticket at all.

"You guys are screwed. The conductor is coming." The engineers piled into one toilet and the marketing guys piled into another.

Just before the conductor arrived in the carriage one of the engineers went to the other toilet door, knock-knock. "Ticket please."
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Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A friend once mentioned that only 5% of women make it to heaven.

I asked him why only 5%?

He said that any more than 5% and it would be hell.



(I'll get me hat ! ) Laughing Laughing Laughing

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kindredspirit
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"



Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

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Qzy
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Irishmen are working in a field. Paddy is digging holes, and Mick is filling them in.

A woman has been closely watching them, and after 9 holes she feels compelled to ask them what they are doing. She walks up to Paddy and asks, "Why are you digging holes, and the other fella is filling them in?"

Paddy replies - "There are usually three of us, but the lad who plants the trees called in sick this morning."
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The Fly
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 9:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
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Bill gardener
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 2:16 pm    Post subject: Another joke for the collection Reply with quote

Q - Why do potatoes make good detectives?

A - Because they keep their eyes peeled.
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