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These are crackers: I have to share them


 
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Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 11 Feb 2013
Posts: 2592
Location: Donegal

PostPosted: Mon Dec 25, 2017 10:32 pm    Post subject: These are crackers: I have to share them Reply with quote

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?


A. So he can ho, ho, ho.


Q. Who goes Oh, oh, oh?


A. Santa walking backwards.

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~ 'Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities' ~ Voltaire
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 5118
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big x he always was.'


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end
of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket
towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Mind that wall, don't bump it!'



When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

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Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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