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For the retired


 
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Margo
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 11 Oct 2010
Posts: 1974
Location: Summerhill Mayo Ireland

PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 3:20 pm    Post subject: For the retired Reply with quote

How to Maintain a Healthy Level

Of Insanity in RETIREMENT...


1.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down!

2.
On all your check memo lines, write, "For Sexual Favours"

3.
Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.(At our age, who can SKIP?)

4.
With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

5.
Sing along at The Opera.

6.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7.
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're loose!'

8.
Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'

9.
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite...

10.
Go to a large department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
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Blowin
Rank attained: Vegetable garden tender


Joined: 20 Aug 2008
Posts: 914
Location: Drimoleague, Co Cork

PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN"

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a new starter handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone

'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the
elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,

'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

Cool DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

And why not, darling?'

You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the
hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had
been pressed in between the pages

Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

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Margo
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 11 Oct 2010
Posts: 1974
Location: Summerhill Mayo Ireland

PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 7:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have just discovered my age group! I am a Seenager ("Senior Teenager").

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60+ years later.

I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars, liquor stores, and the wine store.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. They arenít scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared? And I don't have acne.

Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing, as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem,
it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!
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