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At last! A garden joke. (except maybe it's not a joke!)


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very sexist...women know about turning nuts too
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey I didn't write it and women ARE nuts.
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Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So true
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ohh I knew that
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Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did you hear about the "cavan " people listening to mass on the radio ?..they turn it off when the collection basket comes around !
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2018 7:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

AN APHORISM:

A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE, OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.





1. The nicest thing about the future is . . .that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog . . ..but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour . . .you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining . .. .as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . .when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark . . ..to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important . . .because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions .. . .you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat (or dog) . . ..and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy (or girl) . . ..who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins . . ..the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m . . .. like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" . . .when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where . . ..'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . .there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that . . .not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . .we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (and rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness . . ..but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint . . .you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . ..and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . ..but it's still a gift.


REMEMBER THIS .....POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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Ado 2
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2018 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here here..well said
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2018 10:13 am    Post subject: You just cannot fix stoooopid Reply with quote

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)


(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener another day, and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Tesco with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed up.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into herfloppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!, Not Blonde this time!

SIX

A mother calls 999 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!



Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2018 10:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

STRICTLY FOR LEXOPHILES
For those not certain about lexophiles - A lexophile is a lover of words.


1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat Miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at Large.

21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

22. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

24. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

29. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

30. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

31. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

32. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

33. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

34. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the grass.'

37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

38. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 5113
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2018 10:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CHILDREN'S STORY

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'



( I love this... )



Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,
and said, 'Winnie the SH1T'

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
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Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2018 12:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For your continuing education.

True or not?? No idea, but interesting!!

Early aircraft's throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very fast. And now you know the rest of the story.

*********************************
During WWII , U.S. airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measure 27 feet and contained hundreds of rounds of bullets. Often times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say, I gave them the whole nine yards, meaning they used up all of their ammunition.

*********************************
Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington. In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.

*********************************
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

******************************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig'. Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

*********************************
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair.. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

*********************************
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

*********************************
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.

*********************************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

*******************************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossiping

**********************************
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.

*********************************
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem....how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

_________________
Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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Good guy
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A not-a-garden-joke:

Q. Where do all the handsome dogs go these days, to make movies?

A. Colliewood😁
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Ado 2
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good...
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ohhh jaysus look who is back with the junior infant jokes.
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Its my field. Its my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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