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At last! A garden joke. (except maybe it's not a joke!)


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Sue Deacon
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the thought, but I'll pass on the Heineken (blerch) Newcastle Brown will do fine. Very Happy

If we just keep chatting someone else will come along - even if it is only to tell us to shut up!

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Sue Deacon
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 8:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

We were in Enniskillen today and I popped into Easons for the March copy of What Doctors Don't Tell You (very enlightening!) As I was hurtling out the door (Dave says I walk too fast) I caught sight of a newspaper headline, something to the effect that what passes for government here could not come to an agreement regarding licensing regulations for Paddy's Day.

I was half way down the road before the brain kicked in and nudged me - it's official folks Stormont CAN'T ORGANISE A PXXS UP IN A BREWERY - or anywhere else for that matter! Laughing Laughing

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tagwex
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2018 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An optical illusion for you. The artist is in the picture. Find him. And don't describe where he is at will give it away for others before they have a chance to look.


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ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2018 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A second one. Same rules apply. Find the mobile phone.


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_________________
ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2018 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not one attempt yet.......
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ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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Sue Deacon
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2018 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Found the first, second is making my eyes ache!
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Sue Deacon
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2018 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Got it! Very Happy
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2018 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fair play to you. Second is a toughie though.
_________________
ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
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Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2018 1:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with
a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

_________________
ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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Sue Deacon
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2018 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing
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tagwex
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2018 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS DAY

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.'

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, your're still black' .

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks what's wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus the man says, Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you? The boy replies .... No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself," Iím going to take that".

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ... 'Where am I'?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. 'Youíre in that feckiní basket.'

_________________
ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 5113
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2018 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A MAORI GUY ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to the Maori guy on the airplane when the stranger turned to him and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The Maori fella, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' he said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the Maori bloke's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the Maori guy replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shite?'

_________________
ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 5113
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2018 2:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HOW TO START A FIGHT
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten the extra disability allowance, too.'
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________
And the sickest, funniest of all... drum roll, please......

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's dang near perfect."
And that's how the fight started........

_________________
ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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Sue Deacon
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 31 Dec 2014
Posts: 2025
Location: West Fermanagh

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know it's a bit late in the day (I have just got back from Antrim Castle) but I would like to wish everyone a Happy Stars Wars Day - May the Fourth be with you!

Sorry Rolling Eyes Laughing

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tagwex
Rank attained: Chlorophyll for blood


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 5113
Location: Co. Wexford

PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2018 10:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One morning, three Yorkshiremen and three Londoners were in a ticket counter line at a train station.

The three Londoners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Yorkies bought just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Londoners.
'Be watchin and learnin,' answered one of the Yorkies.

All six boarded the train where the three Londoners sat down,
but the three Yorkies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.

The Londoners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Yorkies didn't buy even one ticket!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Londoner.
'Be watchin and learnin,' answered the three Yorkies boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Londoners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Yorkies crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Yorkies left the toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Londoners were hiding.

The Yorky knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket please.' Then he took the Londoners ticket and went back to his friends.'

_________________
ďItís my field. Itís my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it!Ē

This boy can really sing http://youtu.be/Dgv78D2duBE
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